A Soul Reader (S1 Ep.17-11)

The rehearsal went smoothly. The girls were awesome, from the choreography to the music of their choice. I left this part completely to their responsibility and I must say they did a great job. With the help and supervision of Professor Samuel, I believe the final result will be beyond my expectations and I couldn't wait to see it.

Even though I felt broken inside, whenever I met the girls smiled with their joys. After the general rehearsal begun the recording, first a test session and then another to the demo on stage. This constant effort that I did to not demonstrate how I really felt consumed me without I realize how much. I was so happy for them and disappointed with myself.

At the last meeting that we had Joan was adamant about the choice for the place to the fashion show and had the full support of Dianne. They had already started preparations with the help of Sofie and the laboratory personnel. The entire stage was planned, for the size and luminosity predicted to realize the parade in the Palace garden, which made it even more difficult my position. I appreciated their dedication to all of our work, but it felt like I had to be the voice of reason, almost a month had passed and we didn't have enough resources to ensure the space, not the one they wanted.

I tried to find a new place for the fashion show, but couldn't find anything that was according to the expectations of Joan and our actual budget. I had this feeling inside that had left a part of me go and nothing else mattered if I hadn't it back. She didn't understand how much she hurt me… Neither did he.

It's hard to see that we are going down and not feel any hope to improve. The only place I felt myself again was in the sewing room, while I had my hands at work nothing seemed impossible. But the minute I had to return to the "real world" felt a weight on my body, my thoughts were cloudy. Didn't even have the strength to ask myself what I was becoming…

Saturday, February 8

With the arrival of the weekend my predisposition improves, by a lot with the certainty of being able to spend the day among my creations in my magical world, full of colour, waiting for I to give life to the paper drawings. Here is my refuge. This space is very important and special to me, it was here that I began to take the first steps in cutting and sewing, this is where I give life to my mind, this is where I dream of my own atelier, every corner, every colour, every detail... And with the girls here I feel almost complete, I love sharing with them what I create. The magic of this small room lifts my spirit.

Monic was the first to arrive. She came every weekend early in the morning to work on the collection for Valentine's day. In four weeks we created enough pieces to cover one-third of the costs to the fashion show. With what had left from the last summer and a few more orders of back-to-school collection we were close to the half value intended. The problem was to get sponsorships to cover the other half.

This afternoon the girls come join us to create some postcards. Will not be enough, but having them around is always comforting. Despite the strange environment, growing between me and Joan.

Monic: It's everything okay, Rose?

Rose: Yes, it is Monic.

Monic: You're different. Something about you is no longer the same. I have noticed that... You look sad.

Monic talks to you as if she read your soul. I didn't want to talk about it, but ...

Rose: Have you ever felt like everything around you was collapsing and all you could do was nothing?

Monic: No, not really...

Rose: Well, I have. And that feeling has made me realize something else. It made me realize that all that matters in life is what's real. Everything else you just have to let go, even if it breaks you. Raised expectations too high, I let myself dream too big, I could say I was influenced, but... I did this to myself and I came to a point that I feel trapped, without the strength to break free.

Monic: I think I know what you mean. You know, the sadness won't last forever. After grieving, what you feel will fade. Don't isolate yourself. I know we've been a little absent, but never far away. We're your best friends and whenever you need come to us, as difficult as that may be.

Rose: Tell me, how do you do it?

Monic: What?

Rose: When I'm talking to you, you're like my reflection, you seem to know exactly how I feel. - I was fighting back tears. She made me think of him and as much as it pains me to admit, I think she did it on purpose. Maybe she’s right, I have to accept the pain and sadness without letting it consume me.

Monic: I don't know. Just let me hear without taking a side. I try to see beyond what words show. What you see may not be what others see and we can't blame them for that. We are all equal on the difference, right?!

Rose: Yes, you're right. But I think there's something more, you are very good at reading people as if you read the souls.

Monic: Well, I don't know about that. - Freed a smile embarrassed.

Rose: I'd like to understand people as well, understand the reasons that lead them to take certain decisions… If you know that something is going to hurt somebody why would you do it? Do you do it on purpose? Do you want to really hurt the person once you showed so much love?!

Monic: I don't think they do. – Once again, noticed exactly to who I meant. And, at her way, I think she wanted to give some consolation to the doubts that, clearly, were harassing me. - I think we all do the best we can base on our understanding, on what we know or think we know. If no other way is shown how can we learn?!