All doors closed (S1 Ep.17-8)

Tuesday, January 7

Today is the first meeting. Although a part of me was excited, I had a knot in my throat. I didn't get much sleep, the nightmares were back, this bad dream in which nature around me dry and crumbles… I'm completely alone, there is no life in this space…

At lunch, mother picked me up and we went to the Bank. She noticed that I was a little shaken up. I saw the way she looked at me, she wanted to ask something but didn't. I think she was nervous and maybe afraid to say something that could worsen the situation.

When we get to the Bank immediately came a gentleman receive us. He was extremely nice, by his smile conveys good expectations. Pointed the way to a private room where were already a few people sitting. On the table were six glasses of water on bases, three on each side, and one more on the podium along the frame of presentations.

Now I was nervous, not as I felt in the classroom, could control my body and felt no hot and cold sweats. What I really felt was a pain in my chest. Was hurt, disappointed. I couldn't concentrate. Despite my best efforts not to delude myself, in fact, I already was, from the moment I read my diary. As the words written there showed me a reality different from mine, I delude myself in the remote possibility of being true. I've always believed in love and fantasized about it, about how would recognize in the other person a part of me…

Was notorious for my expression, a certain disappointment, although tried to disguise with a nervous smile. Not because I didn't believe in the project, not at all. The truth is that I was too sore, searched for him this morning and just like yesterday, nothing… Seek in mind all the reasons I could imagine, in an attempt to understand why Mikhael was gone from my life.

Looking at the projection the words came out automatically. I don't know how I did it, maybe endless hours in research, analysis and planning for the project had creased on me in such a way that, although my thoughts were spread by other subjects, the words flowed. I spoke of each slide as passed, showing, through studies and research we did, the viability of the project, the benefits it will bring to the community, as provided for monetize our resources and our labour, without ever forgetting of our humanity, personal and family needs.

When the meeting ended the gentleman who accompanied us asked us to wait in the waiting room. I saw a little bit of disappointment in the eyes of mother, she struggled so much for giving me this opportunity, I could have done better, I should have done better.

D. Marya: It's everything okay, Rose?

Rose: I'm sorry! I know how much effort you put in to give me this opportunity…

D. Marya: You don't need to apologize. I want you to calm down and know that what's meant to be will be. But not without work and dedication. You don't seem to be concentrated. You don't need to be nervous.

Rose: I know! I will do better.

The fashion show is closer, just over two months until the start of spring, that was the day we agreed to do it. It would be a celebration by the gifts of Nature and by the conclusion of months of labour. And hopefully the door to a lot more work. Know that having the support of the more experienced would give us the boost we needed. And now I feared I had ruined one of the best opportunities I could ever have.

The expression on the gentleman’s face was revealing. When approaching indicated the way of his desk. The news he brought was not good, for sure.

Bank Mr: I'm sorry, but there's nothing I can do. Is a high investment, and its return… As that long is impossible to finance!

D. Marya: We understand. Thank you for your availability.

By the end of the week, between classes, training, preparations for the fashion show and the collection of Valentine's day, FairyTailors rehearsals, homework and other tasks, mother and I still went to two more meetings. The answer came always the same. Negative, based on the prediction of the investment’s return.