You are Gone (S1 Ep.17-10)

(Third-Quarter) Friday, January 24

The girls have spent the last two weeks rehearsing for the show under the guidance of Joan. - "Different perspectives help to raise the degree of effectiveness and the degree of beauty." In her own words. - Today's planned the general rehearsal in the arena of the lab. Professor Samuel wants to see what we “have” prepared and, honestly, I too.

The labours division was agreed by all, but I always feel like I could do more. Mom says I have to free myself of this thought, as it is a step to control obsession. It's not that I don't trust in their abilities, these last two weeks I started having this need to fill even the smallest amount of time. Helps me stay focused, keep my thoughts focused on the fashion show and clean my head from the nightmares.

Another thing that helped to reduce the “stress” on that I felt, was talking to mother about the goal that took us to the meetings. She saw all of my planning and presentation I had organized for the girls, thought I'd be ready for a new responsibility. As I explained my perspective, she understood to be, in my view, too soon. There were some parts that I left out of our conversation because I was afraid to get into a subject of which even I knew little.

I wasn't prepared, my heart was broken… Maybe every move we make are made for a reason, even if I didn't understand why. I couldn't give my all to the project at this moment because I was wounded. I was young and didn't know how to separate things. The consciousness of this made me realize how much I'd have still to learn, how much would have to change. Couldn't be more this scared little girl. I'd have to arm myself with knowledge and learn to embrace the reality that life presents, let the fantasy to where it belongs, in dreams.

Go back to the lab wasn't as hard as I could imagine. I knew there was a chance I could finally see him, but I kept it locked inside me and just let my mind wander from what I expected from the general rehearsal of the girls.

He wasn't here, and inside, deep down I was crying of sorrow. I knew I would never forget his memory for my words. Accept that Mikhael was just a creation of my mind, it wasn't an easy process, but little by little it seemed to hurt less his absence. Still had to make an effort to keep him away from my mind, learn to concentrate on the real, what's in front of me, what I can feel with my own hands. The girls are real, have worked hard to help me achieve my dream and it is for them that my attention goes right now. Love is nothing more than a fantasy… And as such he will be kept only in my dreams.

This idea was creating a void that I didn't understand. Day by day this grew, becoming a little bitterer. It's hard to let go a love like so. We have the idea of control, but actually, we don't have it. There are certain aspects that the "ideology of heart" does not control. When it comes to feelings our mind works in a way that seems independent. Why do we feel what we feel? Why do we care about one person more than another? Why do we feel this pain, so strong inside? Why do we choose to let someone behind?! Don’t we recognize that we can hurt others with our words and our actions? And if we recognize it, do we do it on purpose? What in fact represents one person to another?

For weeks I've been looking for him, day after day scoured every corner of this school. I was sitting in the window of the hall next to the teachers' room while my mind was wandering between all these issues and many more. I could not give a concrete answer any of it. Everything I was looking for was a reason for the pain I felt. Joan's story about the guardian was the cause that led me to try to rationalize everything. I couldn't lose the sanity for a fantasy, girls' safety depended on me. Mikhael was a fantasy. The fairy tale that deluded my heart. He was the reason for my pain. I could blame Joan, could make excuses, but in reality, he was the reason... And that's when I recognized I needed to let him go. Each time I came back without a sign of his presence, a little bit of me was lost. Piece by piece, this search unanswered broke me from within.

Despite of it all, I felt he represented the answer to all my questions, but he chose to leave me behind and I had to do the same, don't mislead myself anymore... For the sake of all of us!